Take Four
by e-katya
Summary: just a bit of trippiness i've worked into quasi-decency. jyou/mimi/yamato/taichi/sora er...


Disclaimer: Don't own the characters; just make them more neurotic.  
  
Warning: run on sentences, and screwy storyline ahead. Also, it's shounen ai ... kinda.  
  
  
Take One:  
  
I can't believe what I just saw. I can't believe it. Why did it happen? Why did I have to see? Why? Here, by the stream, it seems so distant - surreal. Maybe it was just a dream. Ha, yeah right. I know it was real. I _saw_ them. Not just off in the distance or through a copse of trees. No, I was hidden behind a tree - just a single trunk between me and ... them. It was real, too real. There's no way it could have been anything else. But why? Of all times, why? That's why I was there. I was going to tell him... Tai, how could you? Couldn't you see my signs? Couldn't you tell? The way I looked at you, how I acted, how I spoke. Didn't you notice? Maybe you _are_ as thick as Yamato says you are.  
  
I guess he doesn't think that. Otherwise he wouldn't... I should have guessed. Maybe I'm the blind one. I didn't see it at all. I guess that's why you were always fighting. It sure explains some stuff, I guess. It explains why you never said anything to me. It explains why you never seemed to notice me.   
  
But why did I have to see it? See you... see him. I know I won't forget it - never. How can I? The image of you, the one I long for, ... with him. When I first saw you two, I thought you were just talking. I watched you. I spied, absorbed in watching you. I was so enthralled, I though nothing of it. I watched with fascination, studying you - the way a patch of light played against your hair and how animated your face was - unable to look away. I saw only you, the figure of dreams... my dreams. I felt the passion in you, in your eyes. My heart soared when your lips met mine. My world burst into warm sunshine. It was pure, whole, unabashed joy. At least until you... saw you... saw you with... with him. It was never me. Never. I should have noticed something different from the beginning. But I didn't. I was too engrossed with you. I was too absorbed with thinking of how I would tell you. Guess I didn't need to. You were looking straight into his eyes. You never do that, unless you're glaring at each other. I knew you weren't doing that. How naive I was!  
  
The worst thing is that I can't tell you this. I could tell you about being homesick. I can tell you when I'm tired. This... I can't breath a word of this to you. It would destroy our... our friendship. All I have with you would be ruined. I couldn't bear that. I couldn't stand to have you look at me with the eyes of one betrayed.   
  
But you're the one who's betrayed me. Can't you see? We'd be so perfect together. We've always been so close - best friends, right? Wouldn't the progression to ... lovers... be so natural? Wouldn't it? I think so. It would be. I have - for a long time. Wouldn't we be so perfect? Yeah, wouldn't... not aren't.  
  
  
Take Two:  
  
What the heck was that? I mean, I always thought the guy was a little fruity, but I never thought ... Yeah... He's still sitting next to me on this rock. He's looking at his shoes. Hmm. Shoes seem pretty interesting to me too right now. Yeah, mine are great. They have these really cool pockets of ... stuff that absorb all the shock waves or something so I don't ruin my knees and stuff like that. And they're made out of this microfiber stuff, so they're supposed to last forever. At least until I outgrow them. And they look real -   
  
He just looked at me. He just turned his head a bit, but I could see it out of the corner of my eyes. I don't have to be looking at my shoes to know what they look like, y'know. They're white and blue with little yellow squares along the edge... Oh, right. And I'm sitting on a rock in the middle of the Digital World right next to the guy who just kissed me... Oh yeah. Gee, that was awkward.  
  
Um. I wonder if he expects me to say anything. I mean, he's still here and everything. Yep, he's still here, looking at his shoes. His are brown, just plain brown. I bet they're comfortable. They must be. He never complains about tired feet like Mimi does. And - right... Well, what am I supposed to say? "So, you're gay." "You know I'm a guy, right?" "I think you usually give CPR when someone can't breath." Well? I just asked the guy if he was okay and he kissed me! My mom's _never_ lectured me on anything like _this_ before. Of course she has seven lectures on how to drink soup, but has she ever told me how I'm supposed to act in a situation like this? Of course not. 'Course, she never told me what to do when I fell into some world filled with evil digimon and I've been doing a pretty good job of not getting us killed. Okay. I can't manage to screw things up too badly with Yamato, can I?  
  
Okay. He kissed me. On the lips. When you kiss someone like that... you usually do it because you like them. Okay, so he likes me. I can live with that. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The only other guys here are Koushiro and Jyou and his little brother, and if he goes that way, well... I don't think he'd be attracted to any of them. And I'm a good looking guy. Okay, so I'm only taller than Koushiro and Takeru, but I'll go through a growth spurt soon. And I'm a good soccer player and all sorts of other things.  
  
And I, er... kissed him back. Yeah... Well, he's a good looking guy. You expect me to object when someone that hot kisses me?  
  
  
Take Three:  
  
Why?! Why did I have to do that? Why was I so stupid? Why did I act so foolishly? ... What have I done? ... Why couldn't I have just accepted it like any other guy? I just had to go and do it, didn't I? I couldn't have hit something or moped, or even cried. Of all things, why did I have to do that? Why did I have to kiss him? Why did I have to kiss Tai? Of all people too.  
He was just there, I guess. Great. Now he probably thinks I have a thing for him. It could have been Jyou, or Sora, or anybody. Or Mimi. Mimi. That's what it was. That's why. Mimi's why I... I kissed him. That doesn't make sense, does it? But it does, sorta, I guess. Yeah, it explains why.  
  
Mimi. I... I saw her. But it's not just that. Her alone would have been nice - a glimpse of a goddess, an enchanting aberration. But there was something else ... someone else. I just had to see her with him, didn't I? I think there must be some logarithm in the Digital world's program for cruel twists of fate. How I wish that could have been me. Her smooth, porcelain face, her large soft, brown orbs of light close to mine; her sweet, delicate scent filling my senses. I guess I'll never have that. No, a guy like me doesn't get a girl like her. It's never the dysfunctional, misunderstood misanthrope who gets the refined, high class, beautiful girl.   
  
At least I know he'll be good to her, take care of her. He's stable - the kind of guy she needs. He's much better suited for her anyway. How trite that sounds, how cliché. But it's true. He'll be there for her in a way I can't be. Someone once said that in every relationship, one person is the nurturer, and the other is the flower that blooms under their care. It does seem to work that way, doesn't it? He'll care for her, make her bloom. She'd never blossom under my touch. So... so it's... it's better this way - better for her, better for my heart somewhere... somewhere in the future. Why can't I just be right for her?  
  
But no, things don't work out that way. People like me end up with the shy, weak, submissive ones. I can't stand them. Or worse than that ... alone. Alone. How biting that seems. Am I doomed to spend my life alone? I probably will. I'll end up old, alone, and bitter and yell at all the young, happy lovers who pass me by; just like love and companionship and belonging already have. I think I'm already that bitter, old man. Parts of me can already feel it setting in, condemning me to a life of soldarity, denying my me joy. She's just something I can't have, like my father's tux: it's gorgeous and fine, but could never fit me. She's like peaches - sweet, fresh, tender, and pure. I'm more like salad - cool and meant to be alone. And peaches just don't go with salad. They go with cream and things like that, but not with salad.  
  
  
Take Four:  
  
Yamato ... Jyou ... Yamato ... Jyou. Jyou, Yamato, Yamato Jyou ... Oh! I just don't know. Why can't I decide? They're both so nice. And Yamato's really cute. But then again Jyou's so considerate and kind. But Yamato plays the harmonica and that's just _so_ romantic. But Jyou's really smart. Oh dear. This is too much for me. I can't decide who I like more. I mean, Jyou makes me feel safe and protected, while Yamato brings out longing and passion. Then again, Yamato's very protective of Takeru and Jyou _has_ gotten riled up before. Why does this have to be so hard?  
  
That's why I did it, y'know. That's why I kissed Jyou. I just wanted to know what it was like. I never meant for Yamato to see. I was going to kiss him next. It's just that I happened to see Jyou first. I was just trying to decide. Really, Yamato. It didn't mean anything.  
  
But I guess I don't have to decide any more, do I. It seems my decision has already been made. I saw the expression in his eyes. He'd never listen long enough for me to explain. He'll never treat me the same again. Oh! And what if he was the one I like more? What if he's the love of my life? What if I've just lost him forever?  
  
I need a trip to the mall. 


End file.
